Barely hanging on...

hi all!
it's been a while after my last post.
My life been in a hectic schedule since the last two years until now.
As I previously stated, my dad condition worsen recently and I've tried all my best to accompany him whenever I have the chance to.
Since last two weeks, his condition getting even worse and he has not been eating.
So we decided to get him to hospital and see what the doc has to say.

I've been pretty optimistic about the whole thing from the start.
I only cried once which was when the doc announced that dad was diagnosed with colon cancer at 3rd stage. That was 2 years back. So whatever lines from TVB dramas that the doctor always say to the patient happened to me. This is not what I ever think of.

But we as a family pull it through and I thought all this while the God is and will be on our side.
My dad consider young at his age of 53.
His daughter not getting married yet and he has not welcome his first grandchild.
So I never think of this thing ever happened to me until last two weeks.

He was very sick and could not even walk. I called the ambulance to pick him up to hospital.
After rounds of check up by the doctor.
The doctor patiently told us that his condition will not be getting any better.
But he will try his best to make my dad comfortable.
Few days later, after rounds of scanning and scopes, the unexpected sentences (which I always get that from TVB dramas) crossing my mind as the doctor speaks:
He apologised that he couldn't do anything else to help my dad, and he is left with 6 mths to live. If condition worsen, his life span will be shorten to 3 months.

Bang! it smack me on my face!!
I could not catched the doctor following sentences as everything went blurred.
I've never ever think of all this as I am optimistic that God will not be that cruel to take him away from me at this moment.

God, couldn't you spare me a little more kindness to let him stay with me until he fulfill his dream of a dad to watch his daughter getting married and has her own family. That was the least he could do and why do you rape this off from him?

I saw both my parents cried. But I did not shed a tear. As I am very aware of that if I cried, it will only burden him with my tears.

I hold back my tears and as I stand on the balcony of my house, I let it all out. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I kept on asking myself why is this happening to me? Why me? and not anyone else?

Dad discharged and went back home. We thought he will regain his hopes and spirit. But luck is not on his side. He volunteered to check-in into hospital as he felt very uncomfortable, last week.

He told us that he very likely will not have the chance to go back home this time.

He had given up his hope and spirit to fight.

He told me his last wishes and words.

I can't fight back my tears anymore this time.

I promised him I will make sure his wishes come true and I will be taking good care of mom.

I punched the wall so hard almost bleed to stop myself crying as I wanted to speak to him with my clear voice.

As my tears strolling down the cheeks, I said: Daddy, I will take good care of my mom. We will not blame you for giving up to fight. You are in pain, and I understand. It is ok to let go. We respect your decision. But let God decide your faith. Live your day to the fullest. If tomorrow morning you wake up and see us, remember to thank God that you have earn another day from Him.

But the following day, doctor gave him a last hope to survive. That is to try a new innovation of medical assistance that may help him to prolong his life span. I hate all this!! I sweared and sweared. Doctor always try to give the patient highest hope but in the end, everything will be crash into pieces.

Again, luck is not on my dad side!

His body rejected the medical assistance.

Again his last hope for survival tarnished!

He cried.

He said: Gone...my last hope gone...

Argh! I almost want to kill the doctor.

I rather he never ever mention any new medical assistance that provide him hopes!

Nevertheless, my dad will never regain his trueself again.

He will never fight for his survival.

But he is not in pain right now and everything seems back to normal.
Although the entire family know that this will not last long.

God, can you please take him away only after he celebrating his daughter's wedding and welcoming his first grandchild?

That is my wish for him.

*Fingers crossed*

Now, my mind is full of his memories when he was still healthy and pink.
I miss the day he waited me in his car, talking to me on the phone, joking with me, having dinner with family or even arguing with me.

Every footstep i take to his ward is full of these memories.

My tears stroll down uncontrollable everytime I think about that.

Daddy, I will always love you.
And I promise, I will be daddy's girl for the rest of my life.

If one day you really leave us, please never look back.
Get on with your new world.
We do not want you to be burden with our tears.
Let the responsibility of taking care the family lies on my hand.
I will always be there for mommy.

All I gotta say, cherish your life 24-7.
I hope this will be the only sad ending to the rest of the world.
Create health awareness, and pray that cancer will have a cure to it in future.