Living the 9th day without him

Oct 19th 2008, definitely gonna be the worst day of my entire life.
He decided to cut off all his sufferings and decided to join with God in the other world.
Daddy finally departed us on 8am that morning.

It was a total heart break for mommy and me and even my boyfriend.
Even though we spent the last few days accompanied him at his bedside in hospital, we did not seems to have enough time for him.
As his breath starting to slow down, which almost take 3-4 seconds for another breathing, my tears strolling down my cheeks uncontrollably.
My voice inside my heart telling me that I'll be losing my daddy soon.
I had never ever imagined myself living my life without him.

My parents shared the majority parts of my life, and never ever this cross my mind that either one leaving me this soon.

I cried while biting my fingers as I did not want him to hear my cries.

Aunty Lisa instructed me to stop crying as my dad is not letting go if I'm still crying.
So with all the power I had, I stopped crying.

1..2..3.. he finally stopped breathing.

That was the most painful scene I've ever see.
Though it was not the first time I saw a human being breathing his last breath, but that is my daddy.
My man of my life.
We shared joys and cries.
And now I had to say goodbye and he could not even listen.

I'm trying to recollect the pieces from the moment doctor told us that my dad will not hold longer than 3 days. That was on 17th October.
I remember taking an emergency leave off from work and rushing all the way to the hospital.
Daddy was already connected to the respirator as he had difficulties in breathing.
He was surprised to see me with my working attire.

"Why are you here?"

Did not know how to react, I lied. "I am on my way to client office and decided to drop by"

And he continue to sleep.

Mommy, Auntie Lisa and me decided to lie to him as we did not have the courage to tell him what doctor had said.

Then, my uncles and aunties were starting to visit him as we thought maybe the last respects to him.

We decided to celebrate his birthday which is suppose to be on the 18th.
But we are afraid that time will not let us do so, thus decided to make an early celebration.
We bought a cake and KFC that can accommodate to 10persons.
All nurses and family members gathered in his room and we sang a birthday song to him.

This brought back the memories on the 16th whereby he still able to sing out loud of a birthday song to mommy. My mommy's birthday on the 16th. He was happy and sound at that time.

Sighed. How horrible the cancer cells can make some one turn into such a bad situation within < 24hours.

So back to the 17th October, as my Uncle Kayu came to visit him, he told him this: "Don't you worry about anything, I will take care of my sister in law - your wife and my niece - your daughter"

Daddy just nodded. Then he speaks " You all think I will not pull it through tonight?"

Mommy said " No, we are just telling you not to worry about us. Just put yourself at the most comfortable state."

Daddy nodded and closed his eyes to sleep.

Everyone went back home.

As on the 18th, Daddy still at a very weak condition but able to speak.

But as nurses clean him, with his weak and shaky voice, he can still yell at it hurts.
Can you imagine how painful for him physically and how hurtful for us emotionally?
At that point, we really hope that his journey ended there as we could not bear to listen and see him in such pain anymore.

As time closing in, slowly the heartache came back, and I wish he still with me.

On the night of 18th, we thought his condition is Ok and mommy told us to go back home to get some sleeps as four of us had been camping at daddy's ward the past 2 days.
So we went back home and being unable to sleeps, I still manage to catch up with some drama series. Finally slept at 2am.

Ring Ring Ring.

My cell rang at 4am. I jumped out from bed and heard mommy voice over the phone.
"Leng, come over now, daddy is not doing good."

I woke him up, get dressed and rushed to hospital.

Daddy breathing is slower and weaker now compare to the moment I left.
No tears at that point as I was still trying to get some sleep.
But as about 6am, we woke daddy up and try to talk to him.
He barely open his eyes but still can give us some reaction.
We shook the concern away as we still think he is still hanging on to it.
Then we asked whether he wants some milk.
He nodded.
He could not go on after two tea spoons.
At that moment we cried.
We are losing him soon.
We called and shooke him.

"Ba..can you hear me?"

No response.

"Wai..can you hear me?"

No response.

But he still breathing.

We know, as Chinese saying, his souls had left us.
But the body still here.

We requested nurses to give him a last shower as we wanted him to be clean and fresh before departing this world.
The nurses came and washed him.
Even at his painful areas, he showed no response.

I hugged my mommy as we cries.

Slowly, daddy left us.

He had freed himself from the pain he endure since the last 3 years.

He left us with great memories, sad and happy moments.

He left mommy with his hard earned cold cash and properties to lead her remaining life. He left her with 30years and more of loving memories.

He left me with 25 years of care and love from father to daughter. He left me the responsibility to take care of his beloved wife. He left me with emptiness on my graduation of my professional papers, emptiness on my wedding and emptiness on my children.

He left him with the responsibility to care for his daughter.

Everything happened so fast and hard to recall from that moment on.

I remembered uncles and aunties rushing to hospital and crying as they lost their brother.

Then doctor came in to certified his time of death.

As we had prepared his funeral previously, everything was taken good care by the under taker.

Then I remembered as nurses came in to dress him into his own clothing, tied and wrapped him up with some blue clothing before sending him up the under taker's carrier.

We rushed home and packed his belongings, had a hot bathe and grab a bite before moving to the funeral centre.

Everything happened in a blink of eye and as I am blogging now from my work station, I am already living my life without daddy for the 9th day.

I think some part of me would want to keep the counting continues as this is the best I could do for him.

Mommy is busying herself with her work and trying her best not to slow down at any moment. She is having a hard time to let go of everything that is related to daddy.
Though his departure will ease her burden, but there do times where she hope that she is still worrying about his condition rather than the last goodbye.

Family support is great. I really appreciate my family members.
They are kind and loving towards my family.
Though there is one still I wish to stab her eyes with joss sticks!LOL..Daddy would not want me to do so.

So after today, I'll be living my life without him for the 10th day.

The counting continues till I dunno when.

My first Moet Chandon on a romantic (but K.O surprise) party!

I’ve been searching high and low for a suitable birthday present for him.
I went to do some window shopping and market research last weekend.
Man...I never notice how hard it is for me to look for a present especially for him until last week.
After preparing the detail list of items that can qualify as his present, brain storming for few more days and finally I had shortlisted 5 items that can consider as a good buy for him with valid reasons:
1. Document Bag – his one had torn long time ago
2. Cuffing – he owns only 2 pairs
3. Smart phone case – his new smart phone do not come with a chic casing
4. Neck tie – he does not own a quality neck tie
5. Pen – a professional signature comes from a quality and presentable pen

I’ve been walking almost every day last two weeks to search any of the above items. But the annoying part is my instinct keep on saying to think twice before swiping my card again. Not that I am gam siap lar, just that my ‘he’ does not simply buy stuff for unnecessary reason. He only spends on necessities. So then, I shortlist the above list again with reasons of deleting the other items:

Winner – Document Bag – I think he really needs one
Cuffing – nothing caught my eye
Smart phone case – the hardest thing to look for
Neck tie – he don’t even wear it for work
Pen – the one caught my eye was from Mont Blanc. Retail at RM1360, fountain pen. Crazy meh? Pen only wor..

And again I start searching for the document bag since that is the only item left for me to buy.
The one really caught my eye was Bally signature bag. Retail at RM1400++ Syiok! However, I was in dilemma between buying this one for him or another bag for myself. The design is exactly what I am looking for and retail at only RM5600++. Way cheaper than LV. I almost wanted to buy both that night and luckily ji mui Chewy was beside and keep on reminding me the purpose of the shopping, which is to look for his present and not mine. So, I walked out telling the sales rep I need time to think about it.

In the end, I did not get the bag as I think the bag was too big for him.

So being kia su again, I confronted him. Telling him the bag I suppose to get him. He rolled his eyes as if in shock that I will spend that much money for just a bag. I felt bad. He spent his fortune for me and I actually confronted him before making decision to spend on him..feel so bad!

Okay..call me gam siap.

He insisted I should spend on food for him. I decided to bring him to Lemon Tree @ Shangri La for a sumptuous buffet dinner. I’ve been there previously and the food taste is not bad, worth the money but the main reason I choose this restaurant because its buffet consists mostly meat which will be the best choice for him.

So on Saturday night, we went out for dinner and turn out that he was not too fond over the food. Gosh..sad for me..again, I paid almost RM300 for a dinner which he didn’t enjoy much.
Therefore, I have to make it work the next round.

His birthday falls on Thursday and on the eve; he was having dinner with friends and colleagues. Thus, my surprise plan starts after his dinner and my work.

As we share the same house, the stuffs for that surprise bash cannot be pre prepared as he will know of course! So I left with no choice but to get ready everything on that night of his eve. I am only available after 8pm that night, and he will be back by 10pm. So I had only 2 hours left for everything to work.

Grabbed my car keys and strolling all the way to Plaza Damas. Get into a wine shop and search for some red wine at first. But at a glance, my eye caught the Moet. Mmmmm...Retail at RM350. Gulp! That’s pricey. But it’s Moet! My mouth starts watering thinking about the taste. So without hesitation, I get our first Moet. Rush up another level to get a birthday cake. The name of the cake is Opera, and its choc and mocha flavour.

~~~ my Moet & Chandon~~~

Then rush back to mamak stall to get the ice for chilling my Moet.

Get everything prepared on the table. Change my clothing to a more appropriate one. Off the lights. Get the jazz music started and wait.

And Bubu also waited anxiously at the door. (he just freaked out why lights are off, actually! LOL)

Once doors opened..

Ta-da...

Happy birthday to you...........

Before I can finish the last line, he snapped in and said he knew I am preparing a surprise party just that he couldn’t think of what I will be doing. Damn...my nervous crack previously spoiled the whole thing. He said I called too many times confirming when he is coming back home.

Well, I am just worried that I do not have enough ice to chill my Moet as the ice I bought was melting and clock is ticking.

Though, he seems very happy about the whole thing. The old saying: thoughts that count!!
So we had almost half bottle of Moet. Wasted, just too tired for rushing here and there, and was sipping Moet with empty stomach. The alcohol just shoots up the brain and does its thing!

Still have half a bottle left in fridge but the taste gone.

Should have drink all before collapsing!

Wasted.

Well, it is still a romantic night to remember.

I’m wondering what my next surprise for him. Must be well planned and a real surprise for him!

Is it necessary?

Since physically unattractive and being a plus size girl since young, trashing my body with lavish clothing is always not my main key to become fabulous!

I indulge myself into expensive accessories and skincare product to cover my flaws that I had been carrying it since the day I born.

Pityful isn't?

After years of studies and marketing research, and of course saving every penny I earned, I had made a successful step forward to a so-called higher working class shopaholic.
I failed my budgeting test once, which landed me in high debts and took almost 2 and half years of my salaries to pay off. Now, I am a wiser spender and of course more economic savvy than before. Slowly, I am able to fulfill my wish one by one.

Think big is always the start of the road to success.

My piece of advice is make sure you are able to think big. Talking big is not equal to thinking big.
I am very proud of myself as every day in my life (after clearing off that debt), the thinking of not enough m0ney at the end of the month is far at the back of my head. I am glad and thankful of my success. And since then, I never ever open my mouth to borrow any money from friends or family. A great success compare to the old me.

LOL...

So how to overcome all these?
Easy. Be thankful of the resources you currently have and start making plans on how to obtain future resources to meet your future plans.

First, start a user friendly budget and cash flow statement of your salary. Deduct off your fixed liabilities and at least 30% of your monthly pay as savings. The balance, divide equally on your own judgement of how you want to spend it.
Remember savings is IMPORTANT!
If you are a person who is unable to control your cravings towards spending (like me) open a current account. Though no interest yield from the monies you deposited but a good solution to avoid yourself to touch the monies. It will be a hassle to get quick cash from a current account as you need to write a cheque for that. Of course, the banks offer variety of convenient ways to withdraw the monies from current account. But please stick to the conventional way. PLEASE.

Then start saving from there.

However, the above will not help if you still spending and leading a heavy lifestyle.

So next step is to cut down your entertainment.

Research said most monies are spend to unnecessary entertainment.
You must be savvy in controlling your money for your entertainment. Since such act main objective is to entertain yourself, making sure yourself having a good time, then why you want to risk yourself on landing broke after enjoying yourself. So I recommend that you cut down unnecessary entertainment. Narrow down your activities to just co workers, bosses, clients and really close friends. Of course friends are necessities but u can catch up with friends at mamak stalls or cheaper hangout spots. As for work purposes, try to make sure they know your budget before making any silly decisions. For work wise, or maybe as for me, I care so much for my future. Not condemning my friends and jimuis, but we can catch up when necessary or once in a month. They are for your own sake and not your career wise. (but this is kind of subjective depending on what kind of friends you have)

Slowly, you will see the result at the end of the day.

That's how I manage to 'evolve' myself.

LOL

Hope the above message do send some positive guidance to some of you.

Don't ever rely on others to care how broke you are.

You need to stand up for yourself and manage your money which in the end will lead you to a better life and career.
We are no longer kiddies, friend.
We are 25, for God sake?
You still hoping someone else clearing your bills?

I'm sorry if I had offended you guys in any way..I'm just expressing my point of view.

Ok..cut the above grandma advice..


That day, I finally owned my Bobbi Brown.
Well, the monies did go to the best of the best.
The must have is the creamy concealer. This won the Cleo award for ust have beauty products!
Go grab it gurl.
Cost about RM126.

From my budget cash flow for the coming 2 months, which means in December, I need to spend almost RM2k for skin care and make up. Replenishing the stocks. BB make ups, SKII essence, hand cream, nail cream, eye cream, facial wash, perfume, and blah blah blah...
Gulp!!

If I'm getting what I'm targeting....
hehehehe...LV is a definite YES before CNY!
wow!

Then Myoga membership.

Then my Phuket-HK-Bali-Taiwan trips...

Slowly slowly slowly...

All will happen in 2009

Awwwwww...fingers crossed

惊喜实在太大..有点怕!!

关于上次的post, 很可惜我不能写太多.这是因为我们的皇上还没真实宣布这个消息.

上个周末真的很难过. 睡不能连吃也不能! 我的脑海理全都是OY所说的话.
我开始怀疑我的恶魔的心态.我既然一点可惜的感觉都没有.
我对于陈元帅的一切很反感.
她除了年纪比我大,工作经验比我多,加上她的ACCA之外,我完全看不到那一方面能税负我去敬佩!
所以那一刻得到的消息让我很兴奋.
我所坚持的信念是真的.
皇上并不是瞎的.
我受的委屈终于看到回报.
天啊!谢谢你.

可能某些人会觉得我很坏.有不好的心肠.
不过我还是相信了解我的朋友们一定会站在我这边!

OY的消息是我们两小卒会升级到陈将军.
真的很开心!很兴奋!!

不过开心得太早了.
那一天的早朝,皇上说者说者突然说道副元帅这三个子!
妈呀!
不可能吧!
我那有能力..
我何得何能?

压力慢慢从头压到脚.
很重的包袱.

请你们保佑我.
十一月就开始了.
我能吗?

在怀疑自己的能力.

虽然我们家会有三个副元帅, 压力会平衡的处理.不过想到要直接站在皇上前面在每一个早朝.
很可怕..

那句"拉出去斩"

怕到要命!!!!!!!!!!