Oct 19th 2008, definitely gonna be the worst day of my entire life.
He decided to cut off all his sufferings and decided to join with God in the other world.
Daddy finally departed us on 8am that morning.
It was a total heart break for mommy and me and even my boyfriend.
Even though we spent the last few days accompanied him at his bedside in hospital, we did not seems to have enough time for him.
As his breath starting to slow down, which almost take 3-4 seconds for another breathing, my tears strolling down my cheeks uncontrollably.
My voice inside my heart telling me that I'll be losing my daddy soon.
I had never ever imagined myself living my life without him.
My parents shared the majority parts of my life, and never ever this cross my mind that either one leaving me this soon.
I cried while biting my fingers as I did not want him to hear my cries.
Aunty Lisa instructed me to stop crying as my dad is not letting go if I'm still crying.
So with all the power I had, I stopped crying.
1..2..3.. he finally stopped breathing.
That was the most painful scene I've ever see.
Though it was not the first time I saw a human being breathing his last breath, but that is my daddy.
My man of my life.
We shared joys and cries.
And now I had to say goodbye and he could not even listen.
I'm trying to recollect the pieces from the moment doctor told us that my dad will not hold longer than 3 days. That was on 17th October.
I remember taking an emergency leave off from work and rushing all the way to the hospital.
Daddy was already connected to the respirator as he had difficulties in breathing.
He was surprised to see me with my working attire.
"Why are you here?"
Did not know how to react, I lied. "I am on my way to client office and decided to drop by"
And he continue to sleep.
Mommy, Auntie Lisa and me decided to lie to him as we did not have the courage to tell him what doctor had said.
Then, my uncles and aunties were starting to visit him as we thought maybe the last respects to him.
We decided to celebrate his birthday which is suppose to be on the 18th.
But we are afraid that time will not let us do so, thus decided to make an early celebration.
We bought a cake and KFC that can accommodate to 10persons.
All nurses and family members gathered in his room and we sang a birthday song to him.
This brought back the memories on the 16th whereby he still able to sing out loud of a birthday song to mommy. My mommy's birthday on the 16th. He was happy and sound at that time.
Sighed. How horrible the cancer cells can make some one turn into such a bad situation within < 24hours.
So back to the 17th October, as my Uncle Kayu came to visit him, he told him this: "Don't you worry about anything, I will take care of my sister in law - your wife and my niece - your daughter"
Daddy just nodded. Then he speaks " You all think I will not pull it through tonight?"
Mommy said " No, we are just telling you not to worry about us. Just put yourself at the most comfortable state."
Daddy nodded and closed his eyes to sleep.
Everyone went back home.
As on the 18th, Daddy still at a very weak condition but able to speak.
But as nurses clean him, with his weak and shaky voice, he can still yell at it hurts.
Can you imagine how painful for him physically and how hurtful for us emotionally?
At that point, we really hope that his journey ended there as we could not bear to listen and see him in such pain anymore.
As time closing in, slowly the heartache came back, and I wish he still with me.
On the night of 18th, we thought his condition is Ok and mommy told us to go back home to get some sleeps as four of us had been camping at daddy's ward the past 2 days.
So we went back home and being unable to sleeps, I still manage to catch up with some drama series. Finally slept at 2am.
Ring Ring Ring.
My cell rang at 4am. I jumped out from bed and heard mommy voice over the phone.
"Leng, come over now, daddy is not doing good."
I woke him up, get dressed and rushed to hospital.
Daddy breathing is slower and weaker now compare to the moment I left.
No tears at that point as I was still trying to get some sleep.
But as about 6am, we woke daddy up and try to talk to him.
He barely open his eyes but still can give us some reaction.
We shook the concern away as we still think he is still hanging on to it.
Then we asked whether he wants some milk.
He nodded.
He could not go on after two tea spoons.
At that moment we cried.
We are losing him soon.
We called and shooke him.
"Ba..can you hear me?"
No response.
"Wai..can you hear me?"
No response.
But he still breathing.
We know, as Chinese saying, his souls had left us.
But the body still here.
We requested nurses to give him a last shower as we wanted him to be clean and fresh before departing this world.
The nurses came and washed him.
Even at his painful areas, he showed no response.
I hugged my mommy as we cries.
Slowly, daddy left us.
He had freed himself from the pain he endure since the last 3 years.
He left us with great memories, sad and happy moments.
He left mommy with his hard earned cold cash and properties to lead her remaining life. He left her with 30years and more of loving memories.
He left me with 25 years of care and love from father to daughter. He left me the responsibility to take care of his beloved wife. He left me with emptiness on my graduation of my professional papers, emptiness on my wedding and emptiness on my children.
He left him with the responsibility to care for his daughter.
Everything happened so fast and hard to recall from that moment on.
I remembered uncles and aunties rushing to hospital and crying as they lost their brother.
Then doctor came in to certified his time of death.
As we had prepared his funeral previously, everything was taken good care by the under taker.
Then I remembered as nurses came in to dress him into his own clothing, tied and wrapped him up with some blue clothing before sending him up the under taker's carrier.
We rushed home and packed his belongings, had a hot bathe and grab a bite before moving to the funeral centre.
Everything happened in a blink of eye and as I am blogging now from my work station, I am already living my life without daddy for the 9th day.
I think some part of me would want to keep the counting continues as this is the best I could do for him.
Mommy is busying herself with her work and trying her best not to slow down at any moment. She is having a hard time to let go of everything that is related to daddy.
Though his departure will ease her burden, but there do times where she hope that she is still worrying about his condition rather than the last goodbye.
Family support is great. I really appreciate my family members.
They are kind and loving towards my family.
Though there is one still I wish to stab her eyes with joss sticks!LOL..Daddy would not want me to do so.
So after today, I'll be living my life without him for the 10th day.
The counting continues till I dunno when.
No comments:
Post a Comment