Crashing down...REAL down

I had this weird feeling for the past few weeks.
Which I carried this from 2008 to 2009.
My new year did not have a good start.
Though celebrating with friends were really enjoying, but we were trapped in a hot and humid karaoke room.
Maybe was too tired due to a working day, was in no mood for being excited about the celebration.
Then my dearest friend suffered from a dilemma in relationship.
Which really opened up my mind towards the meaning of love.
Why men are born to be selfish and irresponsible? No matter how we, as women dislike the fact, arguing that men should be more sensitive towards our needs and yet we brushed off the whole point by saying : men ARE like that!
This is hell of a statement.
How can we accept this statement bluntly?
Women of the world, please speak up!!
Where are your senses?

Yes!
I am discontented
I am depressed
I am everything but happy

I am not happy that I am slowly turning into an old woman who keeps on nag and nag and nag.
I am discontented that my boyfriend did not realise the unhappy me!
I am depressed because from tearing like a baby whenever I talk about this into a cold and care less feeling I have right now.

I still remember how things were sweet and warmth back in those days.
How I wish everything stay the same.
Why I had to put up a face or throw a tantrum only you realise I am not happy.
Didn't my face say it all?

Damn.

My anger has taken over the power of being sad and teary.
I had enough.

I do not want to continue living in such state.
I do not want to change myself into a cold hearted - care less woman who ignore her feelings and emotion just to stay with her man.
No! A big NO!

Well, let me put all my disatisfaction down:-

You are so crazy about the online game until you are over addicted to it.
You spend all the hours in front of the desktop and you chat with the gamers more than you chat with me.
You laugh with the gamers more than you laugh with me.
I had to ask you what are you laughing at so I can share the joy. But when you talk, you don't even wanna look at me!
I have to do the whole house chores on my own.
You are sharing the damn house too! Why can't you be part of it?
If I did not put up a huge drama to purposely let you aware that you need to do housework, you will never start.
Why I need to instruct you everytime to get your ass off the chair?
I never know your coworkers.
I was never out with your coworkers, as if I am not part of your life!
Maybe I am not worth to be with you when you are going out with your friends.
Then why the hell I tried to be part of me by introducing my friends to you?
Why do I always am the one putting effort to create or reburn some sparks in our life?
You went football with friends and you suffered injuries.
You only let me know by putting a black face when I asked you to accompany me to run some errands.
As if it is my fault that I FORCE you to be with me!
You keep quiet all the way while I am with my friends, and you even SLEEP through the conversation!
Is my conversation really that redundant and unattractive until you fall asleep?
As at to date, YOU NEVER even wish me a happy new year!
I don't mind you earning lesser than me because I am independent financially.
I never ask for anything from you.
And I never ask for a LV from you too.
I know you couldnt afford it so I tried to fork out my own money to buy.
I know we been working hard and we deserve a vacation.
But you rather spend your money buying the online game cards that cost RM45 per card rather than getting a passport done or forking out money for a vacation.
and YOU have almost 20 cards right now! DO the damn maths!
I tried so hard to ensure the vacation will be a good break for everyone!
I don't mind paying the money..
I don't mind driving the car...
But I do mind you sleep all the way throughout the journey.
You were complaining that you were sick.
You were putting a face to me!
I rushed home just to have dinner with you.
I don't mind paying the bill.
I don't mind driving after whole day of work.
But I mind you wearing a pjay to dine. We are not having mamak style dinner for good sake!
It is a decent restaurant.
You said troublesome to wear something nice.
Ok, I buy that. So off we go for a pricey yet undelicious food.
Throughout the dinner I was silent. I just want to see how will you start a conversation.
All you ask was: The food not nice?
Why am I always the one who do the talking just to start a stupid conversation?
Why can't you ask me anything beside food, work and weather?
We really don't have anything else to talk about?
Are we that bored?
So yesterday, you make sure I came home straight after work.
I thought you want to make up with all the anger and tantrum I've been putting up for.
Yet, when I step into the house, your desktop were on (as usual, your game is running),
The floor not sweep, the hanging clothes still on the balcony, you had all lights and fans on...
You locked my rabbit just to make sure he don't disturb your nap.
I took everything in..as maybe you are sick.
You said no.
So I thought we can try having dinner in a shopping mall to get something for your sister's wedding perhaps.
I said: I want to go 1u..
You putting a face with a rough voice saying: why want to go all the way there?
And as usual, you are wearing your fucking pjay!
I had enough!
I said: Fine! don't go then..we eat mamak...
Then you rush and grab the car keys saying we should go.
But when I refused you accusing me of throwing the tantrum again!
AGAIN!
I really had enough!
I kept quiet through the way to 1u..
I kept quiet through the dinner..
What add up the already hot burning fire was, you had eaten before the dinner.
If you were full then why ask me to rush all the way home for you?
Again..I take it all in.
After dinner, I decided to get some ice cream to just make me smile...
So walked into the ice cream parlour..I tried requesting a small pint that is the same size as a scoop..If there is, I'll buy few to store at home. Yet, the parlour did not have such pack. So I decided to head home.
Then, don't know whether you are trying to make me happy, you suggested another place that sells such pack.
But only the parlour provides the takeaway pack that come with the ice bag that can keep it freshness. I told you no, I don't want. I want a few pack!
Then you get frustrated by saying: Buy one and eat enought lor..why need so many pack?
Ok..you never understand..
Either you don't know my preference or you don't even bother!
You never say goodbye when leaving for work.
You used to do so..but now, it is really your preference..If you in the mood for a goodbye kiss or hug, then you bother to wake me up..Now, your excuse is you will be late for work!
A goodbye will delay your work!
What a great excuse!

I really had enough!
The sadness that I used to have whenever I complaint now slowly become anger!
I think..I am not that into you anymore.
I think..from my like-lust-love..had now change to love-lust...
I really hope things will not worsen until the 'like' stage...

You will never know all these...
Because you don't even bother to read my blog!
YOU DON'T BOTHER!

Then what the hell I'm still with you?
Anyone can explain?